Pretend during the day. Break inside at night

Yesterday I attended the Penistone Remembrance service, the first time in 17 years when I haven't been in Scout uniform. It was also the first time that I saw many of my scouts, since I left the movement in March. I knew it was going to be tough, bring back memories, fond memories and probably upset me; but Remembrance Sunday means a lot, so rather than shy away I made the effort to attend.  As a scout leader the whole preparation for me started in the weeks before Remembrance Sunday, sending out a letter asking all to attend, in uniform, with a poppy. Then just before the day running a meeting night with a remembrance theme emphasizing the importance.  On the day itself, it meant turning up early armed with extra poppies, woggles, neckers and safety pins to replace items lost, forgotten or "in the wash". Then rolling neckers and adjusting collars and shirts, so that Scouts looked smart and presentable, and not like they had just rolled out of bed an...

I'm struggling, really struggling and I don't know where to start with this blog, to be honest I am forcing myself to write it.  I wish there was a switch, tablet, task, operation, magic trick or action you could take to snap out of depression, if there was I would be first in line. I hate being miserable, worthless, having no purpose, numb, suicidal and having to put on a brave face to mask my despondency. I wish, I had that ability some people seem to have to move on, box off, forget, park their troubles and issues.  I wish, I had that skill to be able to look at everything rationally. I wish, I knew what to do for the best. I wish, I had the gift to switch off, stop thinking, to enjoy what I have. I wish, most of all to be able to stop thinking about ways to take my own life so I can end the 'wishing', the pain and the utter hopelessness I feel on a constant basis and to be able to see clearly that my family, friends, colleagues and most ...

It’s been documented in my past blogs about my troubles and leaving a certain organisation and I have alluded to issues that have contributed to my breakdown. I have also written about the importance of talking, but what I haven't written about is the that people rarely listen. I resigned from an organisation, my choice and I had my reasons, however the response to me leaving, asking me back, the lies and the fallout out from it all has devastated me. I have skirted around the issue but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. I have not said that before, I have defended the people and the organisation, but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. Asking me back I was asked to reconsider my resignation, I was told that the person at the head of the group was upset and wanted me back; so after thinking about it I wrote a document about the things that needed to change as they were removing the fun from the role. The head of the group considered the document and ...

I love GOOD people. Those people who are just so beautiful on the inside that they can change the way you think about yourself. I don’t always think too highly of myself; a lot of times, I feel a fool, worthless, too sensitive, miserable and boring. Depression has this unfortunate effect on me. I’m not asking for pity; it’s just the truth. For the most part, depression doesn’t stop me from living the life I want. It’s only a part of me. I have a privileged life compared to some, I have a good family, fabulous wife, great kids, two pets, including the second love of my life, Ludlow a Cocker Spaniel, a rewarding job that I love and friends to socialise and enjoy life with. Writing this blog has been a massive and helpful change for me, I am open about my mental health, it helps me to talk about it, in my job I have disclosed my battles with depression when giving advice, as it seems to to help students, who then realise they are not alone and that if a big gregarious guy like me c...

I used to volunteer for the largest youth organisation in the UK, I spent 17 years putting my heart and soul in to something I loved. It took up all of my free time and my diary was never empty, there was always something going on nearly every day of the week, 99% of the time it was great fun. The organisation has at its core, a set of values, I tried my best to follow them, however in the course of 17 years I made mistakes I am not proud of and regret and others that I learnt from. I didn't volunteer for the plaudits, status and thanks, I volunteered because it developed me and let me give young people experiences that shaped them and ultimately instilled values. I met and enjoyed the company of so many people, young and old, and I experienced so many amazing things, I am a huge fan of what this organisation stands for and delivers. Therefore, it came as a surprise to a lot of people when I handed in my resignation on March 5th this year, I didn't realise it at the time b...

Thanks Rod! I need to talk more, I don't talk enough apparently? Could have fooled me, I talk too much I have far too many stories, anecdotes and opinions, which I will gladly repeat and regale to anyone.  But I don't talk! Well not about the right things it appears and yes I'll admit that is true, I talk far too much about the wrong things to avoid talking about the stuff I should. 5 Months ago I tried to take my own life, I sat in my car in the car park of a golf club with enough pills to stop an elephant and I bottled it, yes you did read that right I didn't take them, I bottled it. Since that date I have contemplated taking my own life several more times, planned it, thought about the fall out, who would come to my funeral if at all and tried to decide the best and least painful way to do it. Thankfully, I have a good support network; my wife, family, friends, GP and work colleagues, and that, to put it in its simplest form, is the primary reason I have ...