Battling through

I used to volunteer for the largest youth organisation in the UK, I spent 17 years putting my heart and soul in to something I loved. It took up all of my free time and my diary was never empty, there was always something going on nearly every day of the week, 99% of the time it was great fun.

The organisation has at its core, a set of values, I tried my best to follow them, however in the course of 17 years I made mistakes I am not proud of and regret and others that I learnt from. I didn't volunteer for the plaudits, status and thanks, I volunteered because it developed me and let me give young people experiences that shaped them and ultimately instilled values.

I met and enjoyed the company of so many people, young and old, and I experienced so many amazing things, I am a huge fan of what this organisation stands for and delivers.

Therefore, it came as a surprise to a lot of people when I handed in my resignation on March 5th this year, I didn't realise it at the time but that decision was the catalyst for so much that happened afterwards. Do I regret giving in my notice? Wholeheartedly yes; do I miss it? yes all of the time, but do I wish I could turn back time and start over? No.

During the last six months I have been through hell and back, I have made stupid decisions, hurt people I love, argued, battled, cried, lashed out, become embittered and suffered. I have found out that people lie, have hidden agendas, no morals, no ethics, bear grudges, turn their back on you and unfortunately given the opportunity gang up, bully you and even wish you were dead - unfortunately for them despite my attempts, they didn't get their wish.

But.... and most importantly.

I have also reflected, apologised, learned lessons, found enjoyment from the simple things, rediscovered things that I loved doing and interested me and learnt to appreciate what I have always had, but, have taken for granted. No less importantly, I have found out that people can forgive, people love you no matter what, friendships matter; yes, you do discover who your real friends are; and that old friendships can be rediscovered by a message or email out of the blue from people you may have disagreed with, but who still care enough about you to reach out.

So you see, even though not a day goes by when I regret my resignation and miss volunteering in the organisation, the last six months have given me a lesson in life.

I could RANT about the injustice and the unfairness of what has happened, I have done believe me and still do but behind closed doors, with email and phones turned off. Its still a constant battle, unfair, unjust and causes me almost daily anguish, but I am not going down the route of finger pointing anymore, it's time to move on....

Moving on is easier said than done, last weekend was hard, I was volunteering at the Penistone Show, something the whole community takes part in and visits, consequently I repeatedly bumped into young people who I had previously taken on camps, organised activities for and enjoyed the company of, and whilst it was fabulous to see them, speak to them and even get a hug; it was agony.

Leaving behind the organisation has been excruciatingly hard, a bereavement, the ending of a relationship, a divorce and whilst it wasn't the route of my mental health issues, it certainly magnified the pain I felt.

Despite the pain, tears, and everything else that has happened, it doesn't stop me wishing I was back involved with the organisation, but I'm learning to love and appreciate my new life, battling through each day.