The Human Head Weighs Eight Pounds

-

I'm struggling, really struggling and I don't know where to start with this blog, to be honest I am forcing myself to write it. 

I wish there was a switch, tablet, task, operation, magic trick or action you could take to snap out of depression, if there was I would be first in line. I hate being miserable, worthless, having no purpose, numb, suicidal and having to put on a brave face to mask my despondency.

I wish, I had that ability some people seem to have to move on, box off, forget, park their troubles and issues. 

I wish, I had that skill to be able to look at everything rationally.

I wish, I knew what to do for the best.

I wish, I had the gift to switch off, stop thinking, to enjoy what I have.

I wish, most of all to be able to stop thinking about ways to take my own life so I can end the 'wishing', the pain and the utter hopelessness I feel on a constant basis and to be able to see clearly that my family, friends, colleagues and most importantly myself need me to stick around and love me.

In the space of a 10-minute walk back home from a meeting, I actually enjoyed about a project I am involved in, I managed to think about killing myself 3 times! Firstly throwing myself in front of the next car on the main road, secondly, hanging myself from the tree in the park (I thought about how I would tie my legs together so I couldn't swing about and use the tree trunk for purchase if I changed my mind) and finally, I had my keys with me so I thought I would get in the car and drive off and find somewhere to buy a lot of paracetamol and finish what I started back in April. Why didn't I do any of them? Because I, as daft as it seems, thought about Ludlow, my dog, not getting a walk. 

At the moment, I have to use little things as excuses to get me through the day such as the student at work that needs help, Ludlow needing a walk, making a list of projects for the house and garden and tidying up my email inbox for the umpteenth time.

You would think that having a family and friends that love and care so much about you would be enough, and it’s not that it isn't, it’s just that right now my mind thinks they would probably be better off without me. 

You would also think that having a holiday booked at the end of the month in Cornwall for myself and 15 close friends and family, during which we have planned all manner of exploits and fun; would be enough to look forward to. It isn't, I just think they would be better off going without me as I am so miserable. 

Finally, you would also think that having a job I love, making a positive difference to other people, with lots of excellent projects in the pipeline, and living in a place that allows me to contribute to numerous community projects, to entertain and support the people who live there; gives me something to look forward to and occupy me. It certainly occupies me and whilst doing them it stops me thinking dark thoughts, but it only delays the inevitable descent in to once again feeling hopeless and I find myself trying not to look forward to them, as I don't want to experience the feeling of it being over afterwards.

Until such time that I stop feeling so hopeless, I am clinging on to the excuses, I am talking to friends and family and I’ll keep struggling on.

Lastly to adapt a phrase from the end of the film 'Jerry Maguire' where it cuts to Dickie Fox (if you haven't seen the movie you need to).

"Hey, I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I'm trying to love my life. And I wish you every happiness".

#ItsGoodToTalk

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Battling through

-
Image
I used to volunteer for the largest youth organisation in the UK, I spent 17 years putting my heart and soul in to something I loved. It took up all of my free time and my diary was never empty, there was always something going on nearly every day of the week, 99% of the time it was great fun. The organisation has at its core, a set of values, I tried my best to follow them, however in the course of 17 years I made mistakes I am not proud of and regret and others that I learnt from. I didn't volunteer for the plaudits, status and thanks, I volunteered because it developed me and let me give young people experiences that shaped them and ultimately instilled values. I met and enjoyed the company of so many people, young and old, and I experienced so many amazing things, I am a huge fan of what this organisation stands for and delivers. Therefore, it came as a surprise to a lot of people when I handed in my resignation on March 5th this year, I didn't realise it at the time b...
Read more

Tough Day

-
Image
Yesterday I attended the Penistone Remembrance service, the first time in 17 years when I haven't been in Scout uniform. It was also the first time that I saw many of my scouts, since I left the movement in March. I knew it was going to be tough, bring back memories, fond memories and probably upset me; but Remembrance Sunday means a lot, so rather than shy away I made the effort to attend.  As a scout leader the whole preparation for me started in the weeks before Remembrance Sunday, sending out a letter asking all to attend, in uniform, with a poppy. Then just before the day running a meeting night with a remembrance theme emphasizing the importance.  On the day itself, it meant turning up early armed with extra poppies, woggles, neckers and safety pins to replace items lost, forgotten or "in the wash". Then rolling neckers and adjusting collars and shirts, so that Scouts looked smart and presentable, and not like they had just rolled out of bed an...
Read more

I Wish You'd Listened

-
Image
It’s been documented in my past blogs about my troubles and leaving a certain organisation and I have alluded to issues that have contributed to my breakdown. I have also written about the importance of talking, but what I haven't written about is the that people rarely listen. I resigned from an organisation, my choice and I had my reasons, however the response to me leaving, asking me back, the lies and the fallout out from it all has devastated me. I have skirted around the issue but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. I have not said that before, I have defended the people and the organisation, but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. Asking me back I was asked to reconsider my resignation, I was told that the person at the head of the group was upset and wanted me back; so after thinking about it I wrote a document about the things that needed to change as they were removing the fun from the role. The head of the group considered the document and ...
Read more