I Don't Want to Talk About It

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Thanks Rod!

I need to talk more, I don't talk enough apparently? Could have fooled me, I talk too much I have far too many stories, anecdotes and opinions, which I will gladly repeat and regale to anyone. 

 But I don't talk! Well not about the right things it appears and yes I'll admit that is true, I talk far too much about the wrong things to avoid talking about the stuff I should.

 5 Months ago I tried to take my own life, I sat in my car in the car park of a golf club with enough pills to stop an elephant and I bottled it, yes you did read that right I didn't take them, I bottled it. Since that date I have contemplated taking my own life several more times, planned it, thought about the fall out, who would come to my funeral if at all and tried to decide the best and least painful way to do it.

 Thankfully, I have a good support network; my wife, family, friends, GP and work colleagues, and that, to put it in its simplest form, is the primary reason I have not taken my own life.

 Today (10th September 2018) is National Suicide Prevention Day, every day right now for me is a suicide prevention day. Sometimes I can get away with being occupied by other things, which can be as simple as taking the dog for a walk and looking at the scenery, and at other times it means DIY projects and garden conversions; but sometimes that battle to stop thinking about suicide is a huge headache which feels like a massive clamp squeezing my head, forcing me to be miserable and to overthink how utterly useless and worthless I feel. It's when that clamp doesn't release that I eventually contemplate taking my own life again.

 I know that I have the ability to help myself, I just need to talk about it, because when I do, I know that I think more rationally and stop thinking about suicide. But although "it's good to talk" and "a problem shared is a problem halved" are true, I find it impossible and exhausting to talk to the one person who knows me better than anyone else, MY WIFE! 

 Everything has to be perfect for me to open up, the setting, the time, no chance of being disturbed, the silence, no distractions and then physically I have to feel comfortable, understood, not taken for an idiot, listened to and then finally I expect my wife to understand everything I am about to say, let me stop when I want to, not mention it again and certainly not until the time is right. Believe it or not, I have found the best time to talk is when my wife is right in the middle of watching a TV program on catch up!

 It would be easier to organise an alignment of the planets than it would to get me to talk to my wife about my depression.

 I worry, that if I tell her I feel depressed once more she will pack her bags and leave me, that she will be upset and worry, that she will find someone else who isn't such a challenge, that she will think less of me....... the list of things goes on and on and once I get to the end of that list; that's when the planets have to align. 

 So I do what lots of men do, I just do my best to avoid talking about my health, by painting a picture of me feeling good and happy and talking about other stuff; however wives being the super inquisitive, mind reading species they are see completely through the mask and deception. Wives wait for us for so long to say something, then quiz and ask us "what's wrong?" and finally, when these have failed, resort to making us feel guilty enough to talk by not talking to us. Forcing us men to say "what's wrong?" and therefore we "open up". 

 Right now this is where I am, I left the house this morning at the guilty stage, I was going to send an email, which is what I usually do, pouring out my feelings (emails don't need full planetary alignment), but I decided to start a blog. I would call this progress, I have wanted to do this for a while but haven't got around to it or had the courage, so today I'll admit it, I am useless at talking to my wife about my depression and hopefully now my wife will be able to see why I am so bloody crap at it. 

 I'll try to be better at it I promise!  

 Until the next time "KEEP TALKING" 

Comments

  1. Unknown10 September 2018 at 10:39

    This is a very powerful peace. I commend your bravery to write this with so much honestly. Sharing stories is a very powerful tool when battling mental health both for yourself and your readers. We as humans beings like to be reassured that others are going threw similar things that we are not the only one. Also a blog allows a very valuable outlet of feelings. Yes your allowed to have feelings.
    Keep talking keep bloging
    xx Emma

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown10 September 2018 at 13:17

    A moving and powerful blog Bruce, I know many people who think very highly of you and who would always wish you health and happiness. It seems to me you have given so much to so many people in and outside work for many years and perhaps now is the time for all those people to listen to you and be there for you if you need them. I for one embrace that thought and I send my love and thoughts. Keep blogging, keep talking and keep looking forward with the knowledge you are a positive force for many many people. Duncan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bat21055 October 2018 at 01:30

    After reading your blog post from last night, I have taken myself back to the start. I’m reading this with tears running down my cheeks, this is so raw and emotional and you are an absolute warrior for being able to write this all down Bruce. I wish you a steady and supported recovery, you are surrounded by people who care very much about you. You were only in my life for a short time but your impact still remains. You’re a superstar and don’t forget it. All the Best, Beth (ex Hud SU!) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bruce5 October 2018 at 04:14

      Thanks Beth, its been lovely watching your journey on FB, becoming a Mum and engagement etc. Thanks for all the advice, support and reading my blog; I will be going to an ANDY MANS club meeting. xx

      Delete

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