I Wish You'd Listened

It’s been documented in my past blogs about my troubles and leaving a certain organisation and I have alluded to issues that have contributed to my breakdown. I have also written about the importance of talking, but what I haven't written about is the that people rarely listen.

I resigned from an organisation, my choice and I had my reasons, however the response to me leaving, asking me back, the lies and the fallout out from it all has devastated me. I have skirted around the issue but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. I have not said that before, I have defended the people and the organisation, but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life.

Asking me back
I was asked to reconsider my resignation, I was told that the person at the head of the group was upset and wanted me back; so after thinking about it I wrote a document about the things that needed to change as they were removing the fun from the role. The head of the group considered the document and offered me a role they were in no position to offer, looking after a section the group had no control over. They didn't talk to me, didn't listen to why I had left, they offered me a role they couldn't offer.

I rejected it! So the people who had asked me back, talked to the head of the group again and this time they came to see me. A new offer, running a section that didn't exist! I was again upset.

This time the group committee got together, they talked it through with everyone but me, and it was decided to ask me back to my previous role, with a transition over time to a role running the group; something I had been doing for years anyway. It all got agreed, I met up with the head of the group and a couple of others and we agreed it.

Then all of a sudden in less than 24 hours, it changed, I had written an email with everything we agreed to the people at the meeting, given what had gone on before I wanted to agree things in writing. None of the contents of the email were disputed. As part of that agreement I was to contact the county office to get my roles reinstated, I did. Later that day they were cancelled. It appears when asked the head of the group said he hadn't authorised that to happen. No one spoke to me I was being drip fed information from other people, mostly about me never being able to come back. I for want of a better phrase had a 'meltdown' I couldn't understand why people could be so callous. I sent emails, had arguments via them, I was completely devastated. As a last act to try and sort things, I contacted the head of the group, they told me it was out of their hands and I would be receiving a letter.

At this point I lost it, I took the car, drove around crying for hours, eventually drove to a petrol station shop, bought several packets of strong painkillers and water and then drove to a place nearby and attempted to take my own life. I was found with empty packets and pills strewn all over the car in a complete state. I'd took two pills and then I had bottled it.

The next 48 hours were horrific, I sent emails, as someone else, telling everyone what had gone on. I will forever regret this, I am still apologising for it to people I meet and will continue to. My head felt like it would explode, I shut down from everything. I was silently screaming trying to get someone to listen to me as taking my own life had failed.

The Aftermath
I put in a complaint about the way I was treated, persons were put in charge of the investigation and after a tortuous three months, I got an outcome, not proven. Bearing in mind several times throughout that three months I was told I would be interviewed, it never happened, not once was I spoken to. I then decided to 'move on', I had had enough torture, I was trying new medication and counselling and all what was going on was not helping in the slightest, no one was listening to me. So friends in the group, the ones who had originally asked me back, took my complaint up. It was dismissed, they couldn't put in a complaint as a third party. Enraged yet again, I complained, one month later and despite an email promising a thorough investigation and asking me to make myself available for interview, I got another outcome, not proven. Not once had anyone spoken to me.

Outcome
There is, you can see a recurring theme, no one listened. I am not saying I am right, or the outcome would be any different, I am saying that you thought not talking to me did me a favour, it didn't, not one bit, you effectively put me away in a transparent room, allowing me time to think, think and think again and due to my illness my thoughts became less and less rational.

Not one person involved in investigating this sorry affair in the last 6 months has talked to me or listened and by that very action, have added to my depression. These past 6 months felt like sitting in a glass box shouting and screaming for someone to listen and take me seriously, you thought you had done me a favour, I think you have written me off as mentally unstable.

So while it’s good to talk, its equally good to find someone to listen, who will treat you with some compassion and respect. Otherwise be prepared for your illness to be prolonged and agonising.

#HereToListen