Pretend during the day. Break inside at night

Today is World Suicide Prevention day (10th September). Suicide prevention remains a universal challenge. Every year, suicide is among the top 20 leading causes of death globally for people of all ages. It is responsible for over 800,000 deaths, which equates to one suicide every 40 seconds. Every life lost represents someone’s partner, child, parent, friend or colleague. For each suicide approximately 135 people suffer intense grief or are otherwise affected. This amounts to 108 million people per year who are profoundly impacted by suicidal behaviour.  Suicidal behaviour includes suicide, and also encompasses suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. For every suicide, 25 people make a suicide attempt and many more have serious thoughts of suicide. I am part of that statistic, I’m not proud of that in fact I’m ashamed; and in order to relieve my shame, I am trying to LIVE my life in order to prevent me and others becoming part of the ongoing statistic. ...

Julie, I am writing this letter to you, I am so in LOVE with you, your voice always gets me through the toughest battles I have in my head. The days you give me strength, when I am so lost in my depression and you open yourself up ‘For Better Or Worse’. Anyone who suffers from Depression, can agree that we fight crazy battles in our head all day every day. Most days unable to connect with the “normal” world around us, let alone make time for our significant others. The bad days seem to be present more than the good days. We beat ourselves up and most of the time we make it more about our personal feelings and hardly realise what we are doing to people around us. How did I get lucky enough to find someone who loves me this way? Who makes sure that I make it through the day and makes sure I go to bed knowing I am safe and loved? I’ll never be worthy of you, if life had a plan for me, that plan is YOU! Every single day it’s about me. How is my HUSBAND feeling? ...

Yesterday I attended the Penistone Remembrance service, the first time in 17 years when I haven't been in Scout uniform. It was also the first time that I saw many of my scouts, since I left the movement in March. I knew it was going to be tough, bring back memories, fond memories and probably upset me; but Remembrance Sunday means a lot, so rather than shy away I made the effort to attend.  As a scout leader the whole preparation for me started in the weeks before Remembrance Sunday, sending out a letter asking all to attend, in uniform, with a poppy. Then just before the day running a meeting night with a remembrance theme emphasizing the importance.  On the day itself, it meant turning up early armed with extra poppies, woggles, neckers and safety pins to replace items lost, forgotten or "in the wash". Then rolling neckers and adjusting collars and shirts, so that Scouts looked smart and presentable, and not like they had just rolled out of bed an...

I'm struggling, really struggling and I don't know where to start with this blog, to be honest I am forcing myself to write it.  I wish there was a switch, tablet, task, operation, magic trick or action you could take to snap out of depression, if there was I would be first in line. I hate being miserable, worthless, having no purpose, numb, suicidal and having to put on a brave face to mask my despondency. I wish, I had that ability some people seem to have to move on, box off, forget, park their troubles and issues.  I wish, I had that skill to be able to look at everything rationally. I wish, I knew what to do for the best. I wish, I had the gift to switch off, stop thinking, to enjoy what I have. I wish, most of all to be able to stop thinking about ways to take my own life so I can end the 'wishing', the pain and the utter hopelessness I feel on a constant basis and to be able to see clearly that my family, friends, colleagues and most ...

It’s been documented in my past blogs about my troubles and leaving a certain organisation and I have alluded to issues that have contributed to my breakdown. I have also written about the importance of talking, but what I haven't written about is the that people rarely listen. I resigned from an organisation, my choice and I had my reasons, however the response to me leaving, asking me back, the lies and the fallout out from it all has devastated me. I have skirted around the issue but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. I have not said that before, I have defended the people and the organisation, but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. Asking me back I was asked to reconsider my resignation, I was told that the person at the head of the group was upset and wanted me back; so after thinking about it I wrote a document about the things that needed to change as they were removing the fun from the role. The head of the group considered the document and ...

I love GOOD people. Those people who are just so beautiful on the inside that they can change the way you think about yourself. I don’t always think too highly of myself; a lot of times, I feel a fool, worthless, too sensitive, miserable and boring. Depression has this unfortunate effect on me. I’m not asking for pity; it’s just the truth. For the most part, depression doesn’t stop me from living the life I want. It’s only a part of me. I have a privileged life compared to some, I have a good family, fabulous wife, great kids, two pets, including the second love of my life, Ludlow a Cocker Spaniel, a rewarding job that I love and friends to socialise and enjoy life with. Writing this blog has been a massive and helpful change for me, I am open about my mental health, it helps me to talk about it, in my job I have disclosed my battles with depression when giving advice, as it seems to to help students, who then realise they are not alone and that if a big gregarious guy like me c...