Pretend during the day. Break inside at night

It’s been documented in my past blogs about my troubles and leaving a certain organisation and I have alluded to issues that have contributed to my breakdown. I have also written about the importance of talking, but what I haven't written about is the that people rarely listen. I resigned from an organisation, my choice and I had my reasons, however the response to me leaving, asking me back, the lies and the fallout out from it all has devastated me. I have skirted around the issue but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. I have not said that before, I have defended the people and the organisation, but YES it did contribute to me trying to end my life. Asking me back I was asked to reconsider my resignation, I was told that the person at the head of the group was upset and wanted me back; so after thinking about it I wrote a document about the things that needed to change as they were removing the fun from the role. The head of the group considered the document and ...

I love GOOD people. Those people who are just so beautiful on the inside that they can change the way you think about yourself. I don’t always think too highly of myself; a lot of times, I feel a fool, worthless, too sensitive, miserable and boring. Depression has this unfortunate effect on me. I’m not asking for pity; it’s just the truth. For the most part, depression doesn’t stop me from living the life I want. It’s only a part of me. I have a privileged life compared to some, I have a good family, fabulous wife, great kids, two pets, including the second love of my life, Ludlow a Cocker Spaniel, a rewarding job that I love and friends to socialise and enjoy life with. Writing this blog has been a massive and helpful change for me, I am open about my mental health, it helps me to talk about it, in my job I have disclosed my battles with depression when giving advice, as it seems to to help students, who then realise they are not alone and that if a big gregarious guy like me c...

I used to volunteer for the largest youth organisation in the UK, I spent 17 years putting my heart and soul in to something I loved. It took up all of my free time and my diary was never empty, there was always something going on nearly every day of the week, 99% of the time it was great fun. The organisation has at its core, a set of values, I tried my best to follow them, however in the course of 17 years I made mistakes I am not proud of and regret and others that I learnt from. I didn't volunteer for the plaudits, status and thanks, I volunteered because it developed me and let me give young people experiences that shaped them and ultimately instilled values. I met and enjoyed the company of so many people, young and old, and I experienced so many amazing things, I am a huge fan of what this organisation stands for and delivers. Therefore, it came as a surprise to a lot of people when I handed in my resignation on March 5th this year, I didn't realise it at the time b...

Thanks Rod! I need to talk more, I don't talk enough apparently? Could have fooled me, I talk too much I have far too many stories, anecdotes and opinions, which I will gladly repeat and regale to anyone.  But I don't talk! Well not about the right things it appears and yes I'll admit that is true, I talk far too much about the wrong things to avoid talking about the stuff I should. 5 Months ago I tried to take my own life, I sat in my car in the car park of a golf club with enough pills to stop an elephant and I bottled it, yes you did read that right I didn't take them, I bottled it. Since that date I have contemplated taking my own life several more times, planned it, thought about the fall out, who would come to my funeral if at all and tried to decide the best and least painful way to do it. Thankfully, I have a good support network; my wife, family, friends, GP and work colleagues, and that, to put it in its simplest form, is the primary reason I have ...